Trash Can Lovin'
by HillBillyzRUs
Summary: Carter must face the very real possibility of losing his life, his love, and his trash bins. Mulder and the Carbies guest star. Try not to point and laugh too hard. ;)
1. Default Chapter

Ok, It's probably better not to ask how we came up with this, let's just say we were really bored one night on Forums4Fans. This is what happens when FF Carbies have to be on topic at one in the morning when they want to frenzy. Baaaaaad things. ;) So anyway, enjoy! There's a lot of inside jokes in there that most of you will probably not get. But we thought for the most part, it was kind of stupid and funny, so we're just sharing it.   
  
Written by Chanie, Steph, Raine, Jen.   
  
Chanie - chanie44@hotmail.com  
Steph - steph 2816@yahoo.com  
Raine - ERfan4Always@aol.com  
Jen - jen_is_pondering_again@hotmail.com  
  
~~  
  
No, no, no, no, no. Steph and Abby are gonna be the pregnant ones. We'll sit outside on the porch with Carter and Mulder drinking beer and making sure no one steals the garbage cans.   
  
Will we swat at any passing bug? And say stuff like "back in the day" and "when I was a kid" a lot?   
  
"Watch out - Mulder burps." Steph says.   
  
"Ha! You threw the frisbee, you lousy kids? It's MINE now!! Don't touch the screen!" Carter screechs at some kids playing on the street.  
  
And Abby waddles out to the porch, "Carter, ya lazy bum! Stop watchin' the trash and drinkin' da beers and go ta work!"   
  
And then, Carter's all like, "Woman, git back in der and make me a sandwich!"   
  
And Abby's all, "Don make me git out the broom!"   
  
Carter gets all agitated and hitches up his overalls (hell, closest thing to suspenders) - "Ab-*by*, that damn kid is lookin at our garbage cans funny!" He waves his hand wildly. "I'll get you, you little bastard!"   
  
"Carter, damn it, that's your own boy!" Abby snaps, putting her hand on her hugely pregnant stomach. "He's *allowed* to steal the cans if he wants 'ta!"   
  
"No one is allowed to steal my garbage cans!" Carter shrieks, and Abby rolls her eyes and goes back in the house.   
  
Carter looks back at the kids in the street. "Did I not make myself clear?" [throws gloves in face] "GIT AWAY FROM THEM TRASH BINS!" He takes his gun from his side and begins to shoot manically in the air.   
  
Carter turns to see Abby in the doorway, sighing. He smiles sheepishly.  
  
"Ready to make that home video now?"   
  
Abby stomps back into the house.  
  
"I'm a guessin' not." Carter say to himself.  
  
Mulder chews on the piece of wheat sticking out of the side of his mouth and comments to Carter, "Gee, gosh, I don blame ya, thems are some mighty fine garbage cans!"   
  
Raine chips in, "If I was ya, I'd be a watchin' those things aroun' the clock!"   
  
Abby leans out the door again, "Carter, I thought I was a tellin' ya before to put some pants on when yur a greetin' company!"   
  
Steph leans out the door after her and goes, "Mulder, I thought I wuz a tellin' ya to put some pants on before a goin' out and meetin' the public!"   
  
Chanie sips on her beer.... 


	2. The Next Day...

Next day...   
  
Carter's sitting on the old wooden porch, scratching himself inappropriately and chewing on a piece of hay. Abby comes out, barefoot and pregnant, and hauling a little kid in overalls by the ear. "Your youngin's been stealin' cookies again!" she hollers, pulling him to Carter.   
  
"You can't prove he's my youngin'!" Carter cries as Abby goes back in the house.   
  
"It's a good thing we aint got needles layin' round the house!" Abby yells. "Cause he's got his daddy's stealin' gene!"   
  
Carter's quiet as she slams the screen door behind her. "Am I gonna get a whoopin, Paw?" the kid asks nervously.   
  
"Nah," Carter chuckles, patting him on the head. "Just stand still." The kid stands still and Carter delicately places his beer on the kid's head. "That's m'boy..."   
  
Mulder cranes his neck over, from his position, sitting on the rusty lawn chair on Carter's porch. "Hey. Carter, man!"   
  
"What?"   
  
"Well, I's just wondering if you got yo'self another kid I could make use of."   
  
"I got me more kids than I can handle," Carter says miserably, taking a sip of beer. "That Abby's as fertile as...uh...something really fertile."   
  
"How many kids you got?" Mulder asks suspiciously.   
Carter frowns. "This 'un," he tells Mulder. "Plus Abby's expectin' *triplets,*" he complains. "She's as fertile as..."   
  
"...Something really fertile."   
  
"Yeah. You get me." He takes another slug of beer and puts it back on the kid's head. "No one else gets me but my friend Foxy here!"   
  
"Don't call me Foxy," Mulder warns.   
  
"I get you, Paw," the kid offers helpfully.   
  
"Yeah, don't talk so much, son, you'll upset the can," Carter advises, looking at Mulder sadly. "See what I mean?"  
  
"Yeah, I see what yer gettin' at. Too bad me and Day-na gave up that baby 'fore it got big 'nuff to be a beer holder fer me. Coulda worked out real well, y'know?"   
  
"Yup, that's why y'never give up yer kids. They can be good fer . . . stuff later. They's also good for guardin' stuff, too," Carter tells him, retrieving his beer. "Youngin! Go out dere and watch those trash bins!"   
  
"Aw, Paw," the kid complains, rubbing his head. "Last time I went out there you didn't let me back for a whole week."   
  
"That's cause you stank to high heaven," Carter reminds him. "Worse than your mama on her womanly days, when she don't shower for *nothin*."   
  
"What if someone steals 'em when I'm out there?" the kid asks uncertainly.   
  
"Then you *kill* em, son," Carter tells him kindly. "You go 'n git your Paw's gun, an' if anyone comes around who ain't sposed to be comin' round-"   
  
"Yeah, yeah, I know," the kid grumbles, walking in the house.   
  
Carter jerks a finger towards the kid and grins at Mulder. "Y'see? More 'n one benefit to sleepin' with yer wife."  
  
The little Carter turns away to swat away a bug.   
  
"Wasn't I just a tellin' ya WATCH THOSE GARBAGE CANS!?" Carter screams, jumping up from his seat.   
  
"I had to swat away that fly, Paw." The little boy says.   
  
"Babby!!" Carter glares.   
  
Mulder looks over. "Carter, maybe yur a little too hard on the boy. After all, they're only trash cans."   
  
"ONLY trash cans?! That's it Foxy, off my property!"  
  
Mulder sighs and rolls his eyes, but doesn't leave his seat.  
  
"Damn, boy, I done tol' you to quit callin' me that! An' you come 'roun bein' threatin' to me near every dern day! Ain't you got the sense to know I ain't goin' nowhere?" Mulder said.  
  
"You's right. But that don't mean them trash cans ain't importan' and stuff." Carter hollered towards his kid, "Boy, keep yer eyes on them trash cans! We don't want them to done git stoled!"  
  
Raine and Chanie walk up and sit down beside Carter.   
  
"Stills a watchin' them trash cans Carter?" Raine says, sitting down and loosing her braces.  
  
"Yup! Can't take yur eyes of a couple a beauties like those..."   
  
Abby walks out. "I'd be a wishin' you'd be a sayin' things like that bout ME!" And then turns about and waddles back into the kitchen.   
  
Carter takes the piece of straw out of his mouth. "Aww, Maw! Loosen up!"  
  
Steph walks up to the house and goes over to Mulder, tapping him on the shoulder. When he doesn't move, she pinches him and Mulder jumps up from his spot, and sheepishly offers Steph his seat.  
  
"Yur not that gentlemanly, are ya?" Steph says scornfully to Mulder.   
  
Mulder groans. "M'Steph's a wee bit squeemish. I was a tellin' her she shouldn't be a runnin' into walls while 8 months pregnant with her 28th child."  
  
Steph pouts. "Well, if Raine and Chanie will ever decide to have their OWN children...!"  
  
Raine sits up. "Shut up and keep pro-duc-ing!"   
  
Carter scratches his crotch.  
  
"Y'all, I don't like this! The people down at the lo-cal bingo club been whisperin' nasty thangs about me being a slut fer havin' all them babies!"  
  
Raine pipes up, "Damn, girl, quit yer whinin'! You know I can't have no babies, 'cause the doctor done told me I was . . . whaddya call it, Carter? Didn't you used to be one of dem medicine people?"   
  
Carter coughs, and again scratches his crotch.  
  
"It's cause you don't have no man," Abby calls out through the kitchen window. "Don't go makin' no excuses 'bout doctors - you needs you a man 'afore you can have youngins." She looks over at Carter and gazes lovingly. "I gots me a man, see..."   
  
Carter grins a toothless grin, belches, and scratches his crotch.  
  
"Yeah, I was one of dem medicine people. Worst mistake of m'life. Right up dere with me a'marrying this here Abby."   
  
Carter scratches his crotch then pats his kid on the head, with the same hand. "You be good and go fetch us all another 6-pack of beer y'hear? And if there's one left go ahead and help yerself."  
  
Stephanie waddles over and eases her huge body into the wicker rocking chair next to Raine. "So i'd heard y'all had a wee bit of an accident with y'alls hip there."  
  
"Yes'm. I was a'rockin on this here rockin' chair when I lost m'balance. Broke me here hip."  
  
Raine reaches over and swifly pulls Steph from her rocker. "I'd gone and done what I'd said I'd gone and do now."  
  
"Is you happy *now*? Prolly gone and hurt yer baby now," as Stephanie furrows her brow. "Wait a gosh dern minute, is this 'un yours or Chanie's now?"  
  
Chanie turns around. "Ya mean ya know know who's babee yur havin'?!"   
  
Mulder calls from his spot. "Slllllllut!"   
  
Steph whips around to face Mulder. "Do you go a callin' yur own wife a slut! Yer the one implantin' yer...what's it called Carter?"   
  
She watches Carter scratch his crotch and gaze adoringly at his trash cans.   
  
"Aw, someone go get the pokin' stick, Carter's been starin' too long at them trash bins." She hollers for Abby."Ab-bay! Yer huzban there's been lookin' at them there trash cans fer too long, I reckon he's in some kind of . . . thang. Carter, what's . . . damn, he's the one with that there thang. And, Mulder, who's you think you are callin' me a slut? You's the one who's been helpin' make these baybies! And I didn't see you complainin' none when *that* was goin' on!" Stephanie yells.  
  
Carter turns around and shouts to Abby through the kitchen window. "Abby, when yur a being a done havin' this batch of kids, let's have some more!"   
  
Abby throws a spachula up him through the window. He misses and it hits Steph.  
  
Stephanie winces, then yells, "Whats yer problem, woman?! Tryin' to kill me 'er something?!"   
  
Abby calls back, "I's just tryin' to hit that no-good huzban of mine!"  
  
Carter sighs and looks over at Mulder, who's been watching the whole thing. "You see what I have to put up with? These women-folk are goin' ta drive me to the crazy . . . place."   
  
"I hear ya, Stephanie there's a real whippersnapper towards me. You jus' gotta learn to keep 'em in line. Show them their place," Mulder replied.  
  
Stephanie yells through the kitchen window to Abby. "Abby, I'm a gonna be a needin' yur man-beatin' broom again!"  
  
Abby calls back, "I done wore it out when I was gettin' 'pregnanted with this damn litter of kids." She glares over at Carter. "Dat Carter's a *dirty* bastard sometimes."   
  
"You watch yer tongue, woman!" Carter yells back.   
  
"At least someboedy is!" Abby hollers back.   
  
"Awww," Carter moans. "I get bitched at if I beds ya, I get bitched at if I don't beds ya." He looks over at Chanie, and frowns. "Would you bitch if I beds ya?"  
  
"As long as you don't get me preggers." Chanie looks over at Carter.   
  
Abby bashes Carter over the head with a broom. "You don't go off a bedin' other women while I cook, clean, and have yur children for ya! Who do ya think I am?!"   
  
Carter thinks for a moment. "M'wife, I think!"  
  
Abby groans and stomps back into the kitchen.  
  
Chanie chuckles and Steph glares and throws the spachula full force at her, but misses and knocks Raine's beer over.   
  
Raine rushes to her feet. "You women stop THROWIN' SPACHULAS!"   
  
Abby hollers out the window, "I'll do whutever I darn well please!"   
  
Carter pipes in. "Dear, please stop throwing spachulas."   
  
Abby stomps out onto the porch. "Kiss my grit!"  
  
"I would, 'cept you'd probably get preggers all over again," Carter grumbles, easing back into his seat. "And where is that BOY and my GUN??"  
  
"You sent our boy to git yer gun?" Abby shrieks. "What an irresponsible daddy you is! Doncha know he's on punishment and ain't allowed to be playin' with no firearms for a whole week?"  
  
"He's jus' *bringin'* it to me," Carter sighs, and looks over at Mulder. "I dated a 19 year old once," he told him sadly, and he'd be bragging if he didn't sound miserable. "And *she* didn't get herself no *preggers*."   
  
"Hmm, I didn't seem to get *mahself* preggers," Abby snaps, slapping him upside the head. "Seems to me yous had a pretty big part in that!"   
  
"19," Carter sighed again. "She didn't look so good, but still..."  
  
Raine pipes up from her seat. "Haven't ya people ever heard of con-tra-cep-tives?" She looks over at Abby. "By the way, woman, bring me 'nuther beer."   
  
Abby gives Raine the look of death. "Git yur own beer!"   
  
Raine jumps up. "Well, yur the one who started the whole spachula thang, and that's how m'beer got knockeded over!"  
  
Abby taps her chest threateningly. "Bring it *on!*" she cries, putting up her fists.  
  
Raine starts pulling Abby's hair, Abby screeches and kicks Raine in the shins. Steph joins in, getting down on the ground and starts nipping at Raine's ankles.  
  
Mulder brings his chair closer to the fight and Carter hollers, "Yaaaaaaahooooooo, a real gosh darn chickfight!"   
  
"Paw, you says we can't hit no ladies, right?" the kid asks, peering over his shoulder to watch the fight.  
  
"Tha's right, son," Carter tells him, intently watching the fight.   
"Well then, how come it's ok for other ladies to hit other ladies?"   
  
Mulder leans over and comments "Your kid done ask too many questions. Ain't no truth out there, son."  
  
"Nah, I got an answer, youngin," Carter assures him. "Ladies can hit other ladies cause your mama ain't no lady."   
  
"Ohhh." The kid watches for a few seconds. "Mama sure does fight dirty."  
  
"That she does, boy," Carter sighs. "That she does."  
  
Chanie scratches her crotch.  
  
Abby yells, "You bitch! You think yer better then me, jus' cause you ain't got yo'self a huzban?! Let me tell you somethin' right here - I's better then you cause at least I got me a man!" Abby looks down at Steph by Raine's ankles, "What you think you're doin' down there?"   
  
"I's just tryin' to help," Steph said.  
  
Abby glares. "Well, ya ain't helpin'!"   
  
Steph glares back. "You want me to bite YUR ankles?!"  
  
Mulder chuckles. "Good one, dear!"   
  
Carter glares at Mulder. "Hey, yur woman was a dissin' my woman and yur a gettin' in on dissin' my woman!"  
  
Mulder stares at him, and Carter screams and attacks Mulder, turning the lawn chair Mulder's in over and they go crashing to the ground.   
  
"Oh, it's a broughten!" Mulder hollers, going down to bite Carter's ankles.   
  
Abby shakes her head. "This foot bitin' thing must a run in the family..."   
  
Carter looks up. "Wait a minute. WHO'S WATCHING THE TRASH BINS!?"  
  
Mulder said, "Aw, hush, boy. Ain't nobody gonna steal yer damn trash cans."   
  
Carter told him, "And jus' how you know that?! Them's damn fine trash cans, I'll be damned if I'm jus' gonna let some stranger take them. I tell you what, I think we should move 'dem up here for safe keepin'. Ain't no one gonna come up on the porch and take 'em whiles we out here."   
  
Abby smacks Carter on the side of his head, "You stupid. Don't you think them cans gonna stank up our house?"  
  
Jen looks up quickly with her horde of men and her slutty clothes. "Oh, damn, we're done and spotted," she groans, putting down the trash cans with a sigh.  
  
She watches Carter, Mulder, Raine, and Chanie run off the porch with their various assortment of pitchforks, shovels, shot guns, yelling and screaming and shaking their fists in Jen's direction.  
  
"I was just takin' em to be *cleaned*," she cries, hiding behind one of her men. "C'mon, I ain't no trashcan stealer..."   
  
"You's a pigstealer though!" Chanie cries out.   
  
"And a chairstealer!" Mulder yells.   
  
"And a kid stealer!" sobs Raine.   
  
"And a husband stealer!" shrieks Abby. Carter just shrugs and nods agreeably.   
  
Jen ponders this. "Yeah, but I ain't a *trash bin* stealer," she points out.  
  
Carter puts down his pitchfork. "You ain't no trash bin stealer?"   
  
Jen smiles seductively. "Nooooope."   
  
Carter's face turns red. "Aw, gosh darn, who cares, the only thing important is that you ain't a goin' after m'trash bins. Here, you can have my wife."   
  
Abby takes a nearby shovel and whups Carter over the head with it.   
  
Mulder scratches his crotch.  
  
Jen all of a sudden screams, "GOOOOOOOO!" And her and her army of men start running, carrying the trash bins with them. Carter shrieks and they all go off again, chasing after Jen, yelling yankee profanities. 


End file.
